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Perfect Coffee for Espresso Virgins

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Perfect Coffee for Espresso Virgins

72 hours later we decided to try the star of the kitchen a brand new espresso machine – why not?  For Daphne Le Cuisine, hostess with the mostest micro sized fifth floor concrete apartment box, this appliance was a USP for the sea view holiday let.

We had been provided with a box of Espresso Dolce Gusto 100% Arabica roast and ground coffee which claimed to be “The Modern Art of Coffee”.  As a connoisseur of instant freeze dried, I considered myself to be an Espresso Extra Virgin. 

Here are 10 Essential Steps to Perfect Coffee for Espresso Virgins

First Rule

Despite the speciality coffee machine being located in the kitchenette and adjacent to the sink area, it is most definitely not plumbed into the mains.   A removable container at the rear of the machine requires teasing gently out and the vessel, created for design rather than ease of operation, requires filling with H2O to the stated limit.   Having taken care not to exceed the indicated maximum level, this is then teased back into place restoring the ergometric design lines

Rule two

If you have jumped rule two and placed a coffee ‘pod’ into the ‘pod draw' by the highly stylised ‘pod draw handle’, you will not have cheated the system since you have to do rule two first.

Rule Two

Switch the power on.   The internationally instantly recognisable power symbol shows red.  This is a temporary colour – be patient.   It will turn green….. eventually.

Rule three

Place an Espresso cup or similar on the container space situated towards the centre of the unit and directly below the pod drawer.   You will discover that this area has two height settings when you drown the table cloth presently.

Rule four

Wait for the symbol to turn green.  

Pressing any pressable item – namely the hot / cold option lever before the symbol turns green only confuses both the machine and the Espresso Virgin operator when absolutely nothing happens.

Rule five

Having skipped Rule 2 and already inserted a coffee ‘pod’ into the ‘pod draw'  in the excitement of soon losing your Espresso Extra Virginity, and complied with Rule 4 by remaining patient, you next need to position a suitably size vessel into the Vessel Placement Area.   Only then may you operate the hot / cold option lever positioning left for cold drinks and right for hot drinks. 

Rule six

Do not assume the Neuveau Espresso Machine contains any pre-programming.  It does not.    The only human interface is the internationally recognisable red to green power button and the non internationally recognisable but guessable hot / cold option lever.  

Once it is on, it is on.

There are no non-human changes to the functionality of the machine save for an electrical power cut over which neither you nor the machine has any control.

Rule seven

Be mindful if rule six, and

1. do not assume that once you have pressed the lever to the right and scalding water is filtering through the Nouveu Espresso Coffee, that the flow will halt when the coffee cup is full – it will not
2. and specifically note that your delicious Aribica roast and ground coffee will rapidly be diluted as a stream of hot water overfills the espresso cup, runs through the grid and into the ‘Idiot Surplus Liquid’ container.

Rule eight

In the event of rule seven not being complied with at point a., immediately upon realising that operator action is required, apply the lever to the central upright position before the ‘Idiot Surplus Liquid’ container overfills and drowns the table cloth too.

Rule nine. 

a            Remove all vessels containing 99% dilute arabica roast and ground coffee;

b            dry all surface areas

c            find a new expresso cup

d            place a new pod next to the machine

e            refill the rear vessel with fresh H2O.

Rule Ten. 

Re-read 1 – 9 and make a really lovely cup of coffee to compliment your fresh French abricot Pâtisserie and enjoy!

© Bo Nightingale 1 January 2018

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